she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
