I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
