Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
