I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
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