I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
