I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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