You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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