Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
