Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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