Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
