I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
