my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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