I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
