I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Randomize
