Swine flu is the new snow day.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Randomize
