I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Randomize
