so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Did you just see the Batmobile???
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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