I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
