Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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