one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
