I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
