you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
