I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
