i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
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That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
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Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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