Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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