The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
