I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Randomize
