dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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