so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
