Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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