I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
they're like a gay fantastic four
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
