Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
