Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
