I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
areolas are like halos for boobs.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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