It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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