It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Still dying that you shit outside
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Randomize
