If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
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