Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
