Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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