are you still at the devil's house?
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
