i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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