So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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