gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
