Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I AM VODKA MAN
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
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