Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
