the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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