i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
