I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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