A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
