Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
