i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
