I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
