im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
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Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
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In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
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