apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
