just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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