I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
