Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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