Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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